Death Is Part Of Living...The Hard Part

I’m Having So Much Trouble With This Death

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I have a second cousin on my mom’s side who just passed away.

His sister died five days before he did.

I don’t understand why this happened or why it’s impacting me the way it is.

I didn’t know Alan Maxwell, well, but he was blood. He lived in the house my great grandfather, who I never knew, grew up in.

I think he built the place.

Back in the day we used to have family reunions ever five years at the ranch.

Oh, god how fun it was.

I have pictures of me at the reunion when I was one and almost every five years after that.

Kathy went with my family to the reunion when she was 18 and our kids grew up going to the events.

Alan was a kind man and he married a wonderful woman, Pam, who is now alone.

He was 63 and I am 65.

He was working on some equipment on the Maxwell Ranch when he collapsed.

I’m guessing he had a heart attack.

How does this happen?

I can’t help but feel a deep sadness for Pam and her family.

He’s gone….gone.

I’ve always felt a connection to the Maxwell branch of my family.

So much history, so foundational and now a bit more of my Oregon history/connection is gone.

Kathy and I went on a super hard bike ride in Montana on Saturday.

I thought “What if I died on this ride, you know, dropped death, what would I miss?”

I could say at least I went out like I wanted.

I’m an Oregonian who is now living in Montana because the state I call home is so dysfunctional I can’t live there anymore.

I chose not to live there anymore.

And Yet, there are so many Alan Maxwell’s holding down the fort.

The old Maxwells came here, settle and called Oregon home.

They didn’t care what party they belonged to, it was about Oregon.

Alan will be buried at the cemetery our great grandfather established on a little hill near Haines and the Maxwell ranch.

There’s a Maxwell section with a huge headstone that marks the family plot.

Grandpa Dewy, my grandfather,  died in a hunting accident when my mom was only 11.

Ten kids in the family and the reunions brought hundreds of us together.

The name of my great grandfather is still etched into the sidewalk outside the little store in Haines Oregon.

My family put stained glassed windows at the Haines Methodist church in memory of my grandma Francis Maxwell.

Nanny and Papa, Aunt Lena and all the rest, all a part of me.

When I heard Alan died I felt vulnerable.

I also felt sad.

I realize how much I miss family.

That house, those people, those memories….so important.

Alan, you are in a better place.

Pam, my heart aches for you.

I wish I could go back….but life is a forward motion.

It’s okay to be sad.

It’s okay to miss.

It’s okay to wish.

But it’s not it’s not okay to fear.

We each have an expiration date and you can’t change it.

God makes no mistakes although He sure tests our trust.

Death is actually part of living.

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that part.