Say What You Will but I still need my Mom

As I rounded the corner, headed for my mom’s home, this sick feeling stirred in my soul. I hadn’t seen mom since I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. Sure, I’ve talked with her a few times on the phone but never had I had to look into her eyes knowing that this has to be hurting her too.

I know how my wife and I would feel to learn that one of our son’s had cancer and as that revelation struck I felt a little guilty. I know that’s irrational but I’m just telling you I felt guilty for being diagnosed with cancer.

As I parked I started getting a little teary eyed. I climbed the stairs and walked in the door and there was mom sitting in her chair looking at me. I walked over, leaned down and gave her a kiss, and then gave another. I noticed a tear in her eye only because it matched the one I had in mine.

She asked if I was okay, I told her “Mom, this is really hard.” She said I know and then quickly changed the subject and started asking me factual information about the disease and possible treatment. My family has never been big on going super deep. It’s just not how they are or at least how I see them and for years it caused me to feel as though no one was listening. But at this moment I realized my mom did go deep. The moment we just had was really deep and now we were moving back up, not to the surface, but to a place where we could both breathe better.

As I walked out the door, after another kiss, she told me to take care of myself and she smiled.  I walked to my car with a new realization that mom understood and allowed me to go as deep as I needed to. I wonder that she wasn’t always a little uncomfortable with the places I’ve taken our conversation but allowed me to be me, even though she didn’t totally get it.

I’m a big boy but it felt so good to know, that at 50 I still need my mom.

2 Comments

• 
  karenyoursister March 12, 2010 at 7:42 am

  I'm so glad you've been to see Mom and had the time to just “be” with her. It was something you both needed!
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  karenyoursister March 12, 2010 at 9:42 am

  I'm so glad you've been to see Mom and had the time to just “be” with her. It was something you both needed!