Nerves Don’t Often Get the Best of Me

I don’t get that nervous about many things. After running for office, and walking into a room full of people waiting to chew on you, get’s you prepared for great difficulty.  But yesterday, I was so nervous being at OHSU in search of treatment for my cancer.

As Kathy and I waited in this little room, my stomach was in a knot, my head hurt and I just wanted to jump out the window and pretend this wasn’t happening. Even when I’m nervous I can usually talk myself through it. When a doctor comes in the room I can chat and be nice and usually that washes away the fear. But yesterday, I couldn’t get past it.

Cancer has this way of darkening what little light you find at the end of a tunnel. I wasn’t feeling like “Oh why me?” I haven’t gone there and hope not to. I think that is a typical, normal response and I just don’t want to open that door. But as I was sitting there I had to ask God, “How did we get here?”

As the doctor and his assistant started talking with Kathy and me, the darkness began to subside. This doctor was not afraid of my questions. This doctor had real answers and had obviously studied my file. This doctor was not out to sell his services and admitted the other options I was looking at have value.

As the meeting went on, Kathy and I started to smile. We had stumbled onto a new cutting edge therapy that sounds hopeful and hope is what we’ve been lacking. Don’t get me wrong I still have hope in God that has not subsided. I’m talking about hope that says; “Okay, I think we can do that.”

There are no good options when you are fighting cancer. I know some of you think the natural approach is a good option. Some will look at this diet or that but it doesn’t really sound that great when you actually have cancer in your body eating at you. Lots of treatments sound Okay when it’s not you, when it’s someone else’s body and when you don’t personally have to live with what can mean a less than marginal quality of life.

So, we are “this” close to saying “this is it.” That’s a hard step to make. In some ways you almost don’t want to tell anyone what you’re going to do because everyone is an expert and has an opinion.

We will continue to pray, research and work to make up our minds but I feel like we’re on the right path, finally.