I wonder if that’s you.

Who is this man living in my head, residing in my body and sleeping in my bed? I used to know him so well, or at least I thought I did. Now he is a stranger. For 50 years I’ve managed him, manipulated his ideas and allowed him to work for me but all of those techniques no longer work.

I woke up this morning, the clock said 2:03, and for two brief moments I thought I was me. For just a second or three I was sleeping with myself again and it felt so good. But by 2:04 reality had set in and I knew that was just a dream.

Inside, I want to roll over, wake up Kathy and say, “Is it over yet?” But why wake her up and bring her into my nightmare, she’s sleeping and waking her up will not make this go away.

God begins to whisper in my ear “Rick, this is not a mistake, it’s part of your life and it was always meant to be.” In a day or two those words will start to make sense. They already make more sense right now, than they did yesterday or the day before that.

I don’t know if acceptance is what escapes me, or understanding, or just giving up the fight that says, “This can’t be happening.” Soon, I will allow myself to enter the world of cancer and quit pretending like this is a mistake that somehow God messed up the plan or didn’t get the invoice right. I asked God to make me into what He wanted me to be. He is at work the process just doesn’t look right to me…..yet.

2 Comments

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  Randy Helm February 3, 2010 at 7:30 am

  Rick, as always your willingness to share is remarkable and touching.
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  Randy Helm February 3, 2010 at 9:30 am

  Rick, as always your willingness to share is remarkable and touching.