How did I get here?

Sitting on the hill, high above the City of Portland, Mount Hood and Mount St Helens covered in a blanket of white snow. The sky is hazy but the air is warm and I’m sitting in a waiting room, waiting.

How did I get here? Across from me is a man, talking “in his loud voice” on the phone. A little to the left of me is a guy hooked up to Chemotherapy. My wife is reading a magazine and I’m just doing what I do when I get nervous and want to run, I write.

How did I get here? People walking into the waiting room from the doctor’s office don’t look happy. Maybe it’s the reflection of my attitude projected onto them. Maybe I’m imagining it.

How did I get here? I’m about to make a decision about whether to radiate my body or cut it up. I’m doing my homework and trying to find the right options but after awhile you realize there is no right answer, it’s all going to do damage to my body.

How did I get here? Every time we visit another doctor the feeling is the same. What will this doctor tell me that will make me feel like this really is a disease, it’s dangerous and I need to kill it.

How did I get here? A guy in a blue suit just called another guy to the backroom. I’m guessing he’s going to get radiated. Another man walked up who lost his voice box and then there is a guy trying to breath and having difficulty.

In the midst of all of this I see my reflection off the window and find the image blurry as if its’ not really me. Next to me, Kathy and to my left, with His hand resting on my shoulder is God. I’m not sure how I got here but I know it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be, right now. Does it feel right? No. But I stopped basing my life on feelings a long time ago.

3 Comments

• 
  Jaynee March 16, 2010 at 6:48 am

  Keep us posted, Rick. We love you, guy!
• 
  Galand Haas March 18, 2010 at 10:03 pm

  Rick,

  I don't know what kind of prostate cancer you have, but I have done quite a bit of research on this as I have had prostate issues for years. One treatment that I learned quite a bit about and is less invasive and harmful than most treatments is HIFU. Have you checked this out? I have seen a prostate specialist several times in Sarasota Florida who is an expert on this treatment. I have flown to his clinic twice and he has some state of the art treatments and diagnostic equipment. I would be willing to provide what information I have if you are interested.
• 
  Galand Haas March 19, 2010 at 12:03 am

  Rick,

  I don't know what kind of prostate cancer you have, but I have done quite a bit of research on this as I have had prostate issues for years. One treatment that I learned quite a bit about and is less invasive and harmful than most treatments is HIFU. Have you checked this out? I have seen a prostate specialist several times in Sarasota Florida who is an expert on this treatment. I have flown to his clinic twice and he has some state of the art treatments and diagnostic equipment. I would be willing to provide what information I have if you are interested.